Thoughts on Trump

I went to sleep last night around 11:30, interested in the election returns, but not worried about them.  I had put my voice forward for Hillary, and I felt reasonably comfortable she would win.  I was most curious about the margin of victory.  I woke up at 1:00 and checked the results.  Nothing notable, and I quickly went back to sleep.  I woke up again at 4:00.  Trump had won Florida and North Carolina.  I didn't get another wink.  It took a while for me to process that he was actually winning.  I streamed CNN for the first time and watched Trump's lead in the Rust Belt increase.  I showered while still hoping that this was just a good showing that would make Hillary's victory narrow.  By the time I called Uber for work, I knew it was over.  

I was deathly quiet in the early morning hallways.  Colleagues patted me on the shoulder, saying how sorry they were, hugging me like I'd lost a family member.  I wanted to hide in my classroom, but I felt oddly like it was a duty to let people see me work through it with some composure in the staff room.  I fought back tears during assembly.  I found comfort in my classes, but I never found my stride or my energy.  The Head even approached me at break and asked if I felt emotionally comfortable getting through the day.  I was grieving, and they knew it before I did. 

This is not the first time I cared about my preferred candidate losing an election, but it is the first time it's affected me emotionally.  I am feeling too many things at once.  I am afraid because we've handed power to a sociopath.  I'm ashamed because we've embraced a man who doesn't think women have rights worth respecting, doesn't think gays have rights worth protecting, and doesn't think immigrants make contributions worth cherishing. I'm sad because we had a chance to elect someone who earns respect through hard work.  Instead, we chose someone that demands respect before doing anything to earn it.  I'm confused because I see an obvious choice between a woman I yearn to be like (intelligent, dedicated, patient, cautious in victory and gracious in defeat) and a man I wouldn't let near children. I'm frustrated because someone who dedicated her life to helping people was lambasted for sending email from the wrong address while a man dedicated only to personal pleasure and self aggrandizement seemed unaffected by advocating sexual assault, attempted murder, war crimes, and near treason.  I'm worried because in all the attempts to make America great again, we have damaged the one quality we had that allowed us to be great at all, trust.   Trust in our government to honor the rights of all citizens.  Trust in our government to honor our commitments to our allies.  Trust that, though flawed as every government is, ours would ultimately act responsibly.  

Our government by the people is also a reflection of the people, and as one of those people I wonder about my small part in this.  We all contribute to the environment that has allowed Trump's ideas to flourish, either through our action or through our inaction. This election is a tragedy, but on the bright side, tragedy has a way of bringing people together to stitch the wounds, even if this particular one is self-inflicted.