Red cards, yellow cards, and pussy cards

One benefit of living in the UK is that I get to finally watch the World Cup in a country that cares about it.  Even though I hear that the ratings in the USA are higher than normal, I also know plenty of people are more interested in baseball at the moment.  Every pub here is showing the World Cup.  Every student and colleague is talking about the World Cup.  People are filling out brackets. (You see, England, this is why you need more tournaments.  Brackets are fun!) So I am watching a lot of soccer.  But I'm not calling it football.  I have my limits.

I love playing soccer.  I even like watching soccer.  But I don't love it.  I'm really trying, but there is one major thing getting in the way.  Soccer players are pussies.  Not all of them, but way too many of them.  They are world class athletes that can sprint like track stars and can boot a ball like it's shot from cannon.  Yet, if anyone comes within a foot of them, they dive on the ground and grab their knees.  Always their knees.  Sometimes, they cover their faces, too. I'm assuming it is because they can't help laughing while they roll around screaming.  The worst part is that it works like a charm.  The referee stops the game and gives them the ball for this.  No group of athletes is so often rewarded for such blatant flopping as these, even surpassing Tom Brady and a bunch of wide receivers.

I get so excited watching the games, because the action really is intense.  And then I find myself muttering "pussy" constantly as they flop.  I started talking to soccer fans here, and they do agree with me.  They get frustrated by it, too.  They say, "It's just part of the game. You can't really stop it."  I disagree.  I have a solution.  The pussy card.  If you commit an honest foul, and it's intentional or a bit rough, you get a yellow card, two of which cause you to miss the next game.  If you commit a really bad foul, like really trying to injure someone, you get a red card and are ejected from the game.  I propose we add a third card, the pussy card.  Any time someone flops while trying to draw a penalty, flag him with a pussy card.  Not only will it call people out for this style of play that is ruining a great sport, but it will give a statistic that is easily tracked.  Right now, people say "I think Ronaldo/Messi/Ballotelli/other random star flops a lot.  You'll see.  Watch."  But that's fuzzy.  Imagine if you could just say that Ronaldo has earned 10 pussy cards this year.  There is power in numbers, folks.