Damn it, Deborah Tannen. You were right.

At long last, I think Deborah Tannen is onto something.  Back in college, when I had to read "You Just Don't Understand," I thought her logic concerning the way people communicate was rather faulty.  Upon further review, I see much to learn from considering conversation style.  There are a hundred different ways to communicate oneself, and it's easy to overlook the fact that the way we communicate something will actually affect what we're trying to communicate.  What I say is not necessarily what you'll hear, and vice versa.  So far, my life in the UK has forced me to really think about conversational style.

Early on, I think I gathered a reputation as "the compliment guy."  On the one hand, I like that moniker.  However, I wonder if people think I'm lying when I give compliments.  There is the old piece of advice that says, "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."  It's good advice.  I try to take that advice, but I'd like to add something to it.  "If you think something nice about someone, make certain you say it."  Some folks can be more comfortable teasing someone than complimenting them.  Insults can be seen as endearing.  Compliments can make people suspicious.  I don't fully understand that dynamic, but I know I'm horrible at insults.  They never sound playful to me.  I'm also crazy sensitive.  I take people seriously, and it makes me easy to wind up. So, in a golden rule kind of way, I compliment people because I know I like receiving compliments.  I mess them up just as much as insults, but I suppose I'd rather be awkward than cruel, or even silent.  I'd rather err on the side of positivity.

There is something else, though.  There are people I like that don't like themselves. There are people I think are smart that don't see it.  There are people I think are attractive that don't believe it. Sometimes it's easier to see the good in other people rather than ourselves.  Sometimes, it's easier to see the good in yourself when someone else points it out. 

I don't find self-deprecation to be a sign of humility.  Humility is resisting the temptation to trumpet your strengths, but it is not pretending they're not there.  

When I think someone looks nice, I try to tell them.  When I think someone speaks very well, I try to tell them.  When I think someone is admirably strong, I try to tell them.  I want them to know that someone sees it, and hopefully it will make them feel good.  

This particular communication style has not been advantageous in the UK so far.  It actually puts people off and sometimes makes them feel uncomfortable.  In other words, it can have the exact opposite effect from the one I intend.  I have to adapt my communication style.  In the classroom, this is second nature to me.  I don't expect 14 year olds to communicate the same way I do, nor for everyone in the class to communicate the same way as each other.  I adapt my message when necessary to make sure everyone understands it the way I mean it.  Eventually, most students figure out my way in return, and it's a comfortable situation all around. Outside the classroom, it's more difficult.  I'm more likely to get stubborn.  But, I've not given up.  If I can figure out how and when they like to hear things, perhaps I can help them understand and appreciate how and when I like to say things.  I can learn from them, and they can learn from me.  We'll be good for each other.

After all, as an American in Britain, I shouldn't be surprised there are communication issues.