Today, I smashed a tennis racket. It was only partially because I messed up a shot, and mostly because something needed to be destroyed. Composure, self-restraint, maturity, and a racket frame, all seriously dented in one swing.
The thing is, I should have seen it coming.
On Friday, I spoke with a student about life, the universe, and everything, and I asked if she had a pretty fierce temper. She said, "Oh yes. How can you tell?" I had never seen her lose it, but I had seen her relentless public positivity. I recognize it as similar to my own, and I certainly have a temper. I have been told it goes along with being German, and along that vein, I have explained it to people as "I'm cool. I'm fine. Then, BOOM! I invade Poland." She seemed surprised to know that I have a temper to lose, and she immediately wanted to know how I keep it under control. That's the thing about us temper-management folks. We don't want to lose it. We hate it when we lose it. We are embarrassed after we calm down. I wanted to tell her that I'd found a Jedi solution to this, but I had to admit to her that I'd just screwed up enough times to recognize riskier situations I should avoid. I had to admit that I still lose it now and then, and it's usually when tiny things pile up. Well . . .
It started with getting the "just friends" speech from a person with whom I had enjoyed two lovely dates. Dates are rather hard to come by, and of course I thought things were going swimmingly, so that was a bummer. But just a little bummer. Then a friend called me up, and while mostly we had a great time talking, she mentioned all the dates she'd had since deciding 2 weeks ago that she was ready to date again. Of course, she'd met this amazing guy, blah blah. I'm normally happy for friends in that situation, but the timing was just a tad "salt in the wound" ish. Then I decided to explore the London theater scene more. I found an interesting little play opening next week. So, I bought a ticket. Only later in the day did it dawn on me that I bought it for the wrong night, when I will be at work until 8:00. Then I decided to go to the movies, because I had a gift certificate. The only movie I wanted to see, the reason I traveled 30 minutes instead of going right down the road, was sold out. At this point, the steam was starting to come out of my ears.
It's okay, because volleyball and tennis would calm me down, right? Well, volleyball was completely booked. My Sunday group usually has 10 free spots at least, if it runs at all. Not this time. That's okay, it's sunny. More tennis. I confirm with my tennis partner, and I get the dreaded text "I'm bringing a friend. Is that okay?" Firstly, that is not a question. There is no socially acceptable way to say, "No, it is not okay. Screw your friend." Secondly, tennis is designed for two or four people. Not three. Lastly, I hate being a third wheel in any situation. Relaxing tennis day became awkward third wheel pretending everything is hunky dory day.
So, that racket was toast.
Then a second friend of my partner came by late to make a full doubles game. And I'd smashed my racket already. So, embarrassment followed quickly on the heels of rage, as per usual.
On the bright side, I have a great story for my student the next time we talk.
